Here are the important things Digital Dad Diary learned last week.
1. Before becoming a dad, I underestimated my ability to get a person dressed while chasing after them.
2. Since becoming a dad, I underestimated my ability to ruin a person’s life by pressing the pedestrian crossing button
3. I also underestimated my ability to ruin a person’s life by pressing a lift button.
4. I often hear ‘experts’ say that parents need to ‘get on their child’s level’ but that would mean sh!tting in my pants
5. If you have dried Ready Brek on your crotch there's a good chance nobody will sit beside you on the bus/train….porridge also works.
6. If at first, you don’t succeed, it’s usually because a toddler was helping you
7. If our family had a motto it would be a tossup between: “Sorry we’re late” or “ Put your shoes on”
8. Kids, first you can’t wait for them to start talking and then you can’t wait for them to shut up.
9. Most wines pair well with parenting
10. It doesn’t matter how great of a parent you are, you will still at least once, carry a screaming jerk-child out of a shop like you’re carrying a surfboard.
11. You can be demoted from “best daddy" or "best mummy” in the world to “you’re the worst daddy" or "the worst mummy” all in one grocery shop
12. Nothing will prepare you for how crazy and weird kids get when they meet up with other kids in public.
13. Sometimes toddlers scream at you for making them exactly what they asked for.
14. Parents should have battery indicators so that kids know when they’re running low on patience.
15. If you enjoy being tired all day no matter how much sleep you get, then I can’t recommend parenting enough.
16. When you’re a parent, watching TV entails turning on the TV and falling asleep.
17. I used to think I was a patient person until my toddler insisted on climbing into his own car seat.
18. Some days I wish I could go back in time and find the pre-kid me who thinks he’s “so tired” or "so busy” and kick him in the gonads.
19. My kids cleaning up:
- 1% - cleaning up
- 60% - complaining
- 39% - playing with stuff they just found
20 Always get your laziest child to do a hard job because they will find an easy way to do it
21. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent. If you’re happy, healthy and moderately sane you’re doing well.
22. TIP: Potty training and bubble baths should never be mixed, ever - all might look lovely on the surface but what lies beneath - and eventually floats - can be the stuff of nightmares.