Pregnancy Diary Week 10

Dear Diary

I am now ten weeks pregnant. I remember being ten years old and celebrating the fact that I was double figures. This actually feels bigger somehow. It feels like a big milestone to have "gotten this far" and I feel weird saying that but you just can't help but worry.

Every single time I go to the toilet I have a fear that I'll see…. something. I can't imagine how it must feel for a woman who has already experienced a loss. It's so common and I've been coming across so many stories online recently that have given me the fear that it will be my turn next.

I just can't believe how many women suffer in silence. You might never know that the woman who sits beside you on the bus or the receptionist at work is going through it. A reminder to be kinder and give people the benefit of the doubt for sure. But also a reminder of the fear for me.

With the twelve-week scan looming, I just can't relax. It feels so close and yet so far away. I know that things can go wrong after that scan but it will be a reassurance to see things progressing. It's hard to believe that my early scan was more than three weeks ago now. I've felt every second of those days.

I'm struggling a bit with the way my body is changing. I don't remember feeling this way the first time around. I think I pretended I saw a bump from the moment I saw that line on the stick truth be told. Right now, at ten weeks pregnant, I just look incredibly bloated. I look like I've been on a holiday and I've eaten too much bread or something. I suppose half of that statement is true.

To be fair, I'm actually feeling good in a lot of ways. The sickness has more or less passed which I do feel really lucky about. So many women experience severe morning sickness for weeks on end. Many feel it for the entire pregnancy to varying degrees. I think I've been sick for about 15 days so I've nothing to complain about. The mind does tend to play tricks on you though. A lack of feeling sick makes you wonder if the hormones are doing their thing. You start to wonder if something might be wrong. As soon as it returns you wish it would politely go away. It's just one of those things.

It's hard to believe that in the midst of worrying about tight jeans and darker breasts there is a new life being grown inside of me.

I don't know what to be wearing either. All of my regular clothes fit me technically but they are so uncomfortable. I can squeeze my jeans closed but they are cutting off the circulation to my body which is hardly a good thing. I need to bite the bullet and pick up some bigger jeans because I might as well be comfortable.

I have this aversion to leggings though. I think it's because I lived in them for so many years before I lost all the weight. It's ridiculous really because I constantly see girls wearing leggings and looking great. I feel embarrassed that I'm not focusing on the important stuff like comfort. Women are strange creatures, that's for sure.

Anyway, I've made plans to pick up a few bits this weekend. I'm planning my ninja moves around the shopping centre sneakily adding bigger bits of clothing to my basket hoping that nobody will notice and guess my secret. As if anyone would be watching me but these are the things my brain worries about. We've come this far so I really don't want people finding out when the scan is only around the corner. I do need to actually make it to the scan in clothes that will button shut though.

I think my boobs might be getting a little bigger. They feel quite heavy and full. More so than last week. They've never really felt sore though which I know a lot of people experience. The colour though! I had completely forgotten that the nipple and areola area grow darker in colour. It's making me excited to breastfeed again.

I just feel so different this time around. When I was pregnant on Billy I was almost offended by the question of whether I would breastfeed or not. Of course, I wouldn't. I had never even seen someone do it before and it just wasn't normal in my world. And here I am five years later probably looking forward to breastfeeding more than anything else. I just loved it. I call myself an "accidental breastfeeder" because it was never the plan, kind of just happened and went on to be such a poignant experience for me. I'm getting butterflies thinking about feeding another tiny baby. It's just so amazing.

I keep checking the apps religiously reminding myself of what is going on inside this body of mine. It's hard to believe that in the midst of worrying about tight jeans and darker breasts there is a new life being grown inside of me. It kind of takes my breath away. Keep doing your thing little one – we've got this.