Pregnancy Diary Week 13

Dear Diary

My baby is as big as a lemon. I find this pretty damn amazing. I wonder is it a big or small Lemon? Nevertheless, my Lemon has been doing its thing for thirteen full weeks now. We are officially in the second trimester now and I have to say I'm really looking forward to that burst of energy and appetite that I remember from my first pregnancy. I haven't been feeling sick for a while now so food-wise I'm pretty OK these days but a bit more energy would not go amiss.

I don't think I fully appreciated how much of a difference another child would make this time around. On my first pregnancy, I had all the time in the world to bathe in my own exhaustion. These days I barely have time to bathe. I'm definitely finding things physically tougher because my son still needs help getting dressed, tidying up his toys and for matters concerning the toilet. Some days are better than others but on those days where my energy is zapped, I struggle to just get by to be honest.

I find myself wondering how we will manage and then I list all the people in my life who are managing just fine in the same position. Why would we be any different?

Can we talk about guilt for a second? I keep catching myself looking back at the last three months and feeling immense levels of guilt regarding how absent I've been for my son. I know I did my best and that first trimester is just about getting through the days but I still feel guilty about how little we did. Our park dates and play dates took a major back seat and I feel like we both spent the majority of the days in front of a screen.

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself but I can really see a difference in my son's behaviour and mood recently and I just know a lot of it is connected to the lack of fresh air and outdoor time. There has definitely been an increase in sugary treats too…. for the both of us. I'll cut myself some slack for the last few weeks but I'd really like to get back on track and regain some normality now.

Did I mention I'm no good at change? I find myself thinking a lot about change these days. Every tiny little daily activity makes me resort to thinking about how everything is going to change in a couple of months. One minute, I'm super relaxed and go-with-the-flow because I just know it will all work out. The next minute, I'm having a meltdown writing elaborate lists that make me feel like everything will be organized and run smoothly.

I think anyone who is a bit of a control freak undergoes this realization when kids come along. They said God laughs at your plans, well I like to replace the word God with children. It's just a massive ball of uncertainty this parenting stuff. In a strange way, it has calmed me down over the years. It's humbled me and forced me to be a bit more go-with-the-flow but I can feel the panic setting in on my down days. I find myself wondering how we will manage and then I list all the people in my life who are managing just fine in the same position. Why would we be any different?

I'm officially wearing maternity jeans. I ended up buying a few bundles on Adverts and it worked out so well. I paid €50 and got about five pairs of good quality jeans that would have cost that for just one pair. I have to say, feeling comfortable is making daily life a lot easier. It's nice to not have your clothes cutting off the circulation to your body. I don't know why I was resisting maternity clothes until now. I think I feel like a bit of a fake or something because I don't have a bump yet. I just look bloated and chubby. It's not important but I'm really excited to see physical evidence of this baby. I just can't wait to have a proper bump!

I find myself checking the post box religiously these days. I'm waiting to hear about a pelvic ultrasound to check in on the cyst and the anxiety is REAL. I'm feeling calmer than last week though. I think it's actually helping that I have people to talk to about my worries now. The initial anxiety I had about telling people about the pregnancy and the ovarian cyst has passed and now that it's "out there" I can chat to close friends and family when I'm feeling worried about it all.

And as a blogger, it's been weird keeping this secret. I can't wait to start interacting with other people who are pregnant and going through the same thing as me because it really helps build the excitement. I wonder how we'll announce it!